I recently picked up a copy of "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert – a memoir written to inspire "creative living beyond fear". I just as quickly put it down, coming to the conclusion that I couldn't relate- after all I had moved across the country in pursuit of fostering a creative life. A few chapters in and I began to question my line of thinking, sure I'm no CEO lost in a world of profit margins who needs to be saved by a paintbrush- far from it. Still all the same there is a constant burn in the back of my throat, an undeniable ruthless ache to create.
I feed the burn daily, it currently survives off of line poems, drop-in improv classes, golden paint, soaked film photography and 8mm college home movies. I spend my mornings discussing fashion theory, learning programs, trying to not think of it as classwork- wishing I could be working on what I want to work on, wondering why I'm in school for this, screaming about how thankful I am that I am. A horrendous blessing, a beautiful curse- I read, I write, I make. It follows me as I walk home. It blinds me in line at the grocery store. It seeps into my skin.
Here she comes now, the burden, can you feel her rising up the back of your throat? Get off pinterest, stop getting inspired and start inspiring. Can you hear her nagging? Get out of bed, no you cannot go out tonight. We have skin to make shudder. Her throwing you to the ground? They are better than you, they have more to say than you. Her shoving you forward? No don't slow down, speed up. Keep up. She is relentless and cannot be out run.
As Gilbert would say, "if you're alive, you're a creative person." Weather a blessing or a curse, we all have an ache, a beast, a burden, a desire to contribute to something more than ourselves. If you find yourself drowning in your pursuits and need a reminder, a reassurance, a 20 second hug- look no further. Whatever you're doing is good enough. I don't regularly spit out cliches- but it is so important to remember that creativity in others does not mean lack of your own and that the comparison game will slowly eat you alive. I don't know what your "thing" is, what lights your fire, what god has called you to do. I do know if you consciously make time for whatever that is, you in turn owe it nothing. Weather you hold your burden dear or you find yourself wishing you could throw it into a pile of trash never to be seen again (I believe there is a season for each) you are not a slave to it. Find refuge in the simple fact that you cannot be everything, do everything, make everything. You are good enough, what you are doing is good enough.
All in all I wasn't a fan of Big Magic, the spirituality aspect and constant reference to the universe (not to mention her slamming of art school) was a bit much for me. However, it had it's moments that made me feel glaringly understood (there are few better feelings). I'll leave you with a quote.
"A creative life is an amplified life. It's a bigger life, a hapier life, an expanded life, and a hell of a lot more interesting life. Living in this manner-continually and stubbornly bringing forth the jewels that are hidden within you-is a fine art, in and of itself."
-Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic
"This is no time for ease and comfort. This is time to dare and endure." -Winston Churchill
This is a challenge, this is an invitation. This is me pushing you out of your damp pool chair onto the deck, this is me pulling you under the water, this is me leaving you there. This is a lesson on drowning-
A diver once held his breath for 22 minutes and 21 seconds, this hodgepodge list of important words is for those who feel like they've been holding theirs for months. It is for the exhausted, the ambitious, the homesick, the uncomfortable.
#1: --- The beloved Stephen Patent once told me while moving into a yoga pose "Wherever your hands land are exactly where their supposed to be." You have been placed exactly where you are for a reason. What is it? Find it. Scream it into the wind. Put it on an endless loop.
#2: --- Let go of your crutches, of what is comfortable. Refuse to be tempted by safety. Look up, step up. "Lay down your crisis, pick up your calling." To serve is to sacrifice.
#3: ——- Refuse to run, to flee, to fly away. Sometimes we need our wings clipped. Work through instead of over or around. There is power in perseverance. "I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my actions."
#4: --- Two hundred sweaty bodies inside Irving Plaza screamed along with TFB in unison "THERE IS COMFORT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SWIMMING POOL." Maybe they're wrong, maybe they're right. Maybe drowning is a lesson, a mercy in disguise. Find comfort being uncomfortable. Seek solace while holding your breath.
"I want to show you the rainbows trapped in the dark clouds, the pinks and yellows mingling with the black, that there is beauty in the forsaken moments, mercies in disguise."
Well, here we are. I skipped way too many days, posted an obscene amount of sunsets, pictures from the day before or my second most happy moment of the day- but I made it. If you're unfamiliar with what the #100HAPPYDAYS challenge, it's the challenge to find something good in everyday for one hundred days and post about it on the social media account of your choice. Looking back on my #100HAPPYDAYS was sweet and nostalgic, but also left me with a glaring sense of unease. I am a huge advocate of being aware of the beautiful parts of life, writing down your blessings, of ROTFL'ing :-) — but sometimes it just gets hard. There are days when it is raw and it is ugly and it is painful and despite your countless blessings there's an ache in your chest that just won't go away.
In the last hundred days I got in the habit of throwing those hard days into VSCOcam, putting an HB2 filter on them and disguising them as “happy days.” What I was failing to realize was that hard is normal and okay. It's not all about me being happy, on that note it's not all about me at all-and every season of life is intentional. It's the rough days when we feel as if we're in pieces that god picks them up and puts them back together differently than before- reshaping, remolding, renewing so we can be better used by him. There is beauty and importance in the hard and though we shouldn't dwell on it, we should absolutely recognize it.
Speaking as someone who always thought of herself as good with change, these last three months threw me on my head. Looking around, my life has hardly any resemblance to what it looked like when summer2k15!! began. There are times I want nothing more than for it to be 100 days ago, want to drive my old Jeep down Algonquin road 15 miles over the speed limit, windows down, country loud, best friend riding shotgun on the way to the park. I want to bike to 7-11 for slurpees and fall asleep in my old room on my old cozy cul-de-sac knowing my sister is on the other side of the wall. Despite how much I have gained I have also left so much behind and there is a deafening, undeniable sense of loss that is constantly with me. There are mornings the growing pains are crippling.
BUT GROWING IS SO IMPORTANT. If every time my legs ached as a six year old I would have told them to stop-and they had listened, I would have been half the person I am today in the most literal sense. I know I am exactly where I have been called to be, so I'll “bloom where I have been planted" and do what I have been called to do. I will embrace not only the lovely parts of living in New York but the not so instagramable parts and feelings, too. I wont shy away from the hurt and the pain, from the not so happy days, from the experience of becoming who I was created to be. I am going to have unfailing, irrational trust.
All that being said, I still think the #100HAPPYDAYS challenge is a killer concept. Life is fast, and stopping to appreciate moments, faces and conversations that have been apart of your day is so important. So keep your camera around your neck, capture the smiles and the belly laughs, journal about the effortless friendships and the really hard ones. Caption every day with #100HAPPYDAYS if you're into it, just don't forget to stay open and vulnerable about the unhappy ones- they're there for a reason, too. Let the sunset be an ever present reminder that there is beauty in the forsaken moments, mercies in disguise, that you will get through this and be better because of it. Live life #unfiltered
"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself." -C.S. Lewis