"IMjekshwjshSORRYnekejejeIMhekehejNOTbdkeneTHEndmejejPERFECTndnenjgDAUGHTER"
"I wish you talked to me about sex at least once in my 20 years of age. I wish my dad didn't have to take me to my first gynecology appointment for a genetic disease you had simply because you don't believe in birth control. I wish I could tell you how much I grew to hate you because of the lies you told in court about my father. I wish we didn't have to fight our own mother to see our father. I wish I could tell you how hard its been for me to watch you tell yourself being a mother only means loving your children unconditionally. I wish I could tell you how hard it was having to hide everything I did if it involved anything you consider a sin. I wish you let me decide if I wanted to go to church. I wish I knew the truth about grandpas abuse. Did he rape you? How could you bring him into our home to live with us when we were still toddlers? I wish I knew for sure if the reason you hated my dad was because you were so deeply confused and manipulated by your own dad? I wish I understood what the hell happened to your brain after the tumor. I just wish someone would explain you to me because I know you can't. But I also want to thank you. If it weren't for my hatred toward you I wouldn't have run away to boarding school to escape you. No matter how difficult my upbringing has been, I have the best dad on the planet who has been there for me without fail and a mom who truly loves me. I'm luckier than most I just wish I had the mother daughter bond everyone else seems to have."
"There is little I can't say to you but wish I could. The important stuff you know, like how much I appreciate what you do and how much I love you. If I had to pick something from the top of my head, it would be why it seems I can tell you everything except who my heartbeat quickens for. Since I was young, you were my confidant who would listen to me nag and gossip and complain, but I always left out boys and love and I don't know why. I know you've wondered a few times if I'm straight or not (I have too and have come to the conclusion that I probably am) because of how untouched the topic of conversation is. And I have no idea why I don't talk about it. You are open and warm and recieve my words with so much tenderness that I know you would be encouraging if I told you about a certain boy who caught my eye and makes me look forward to dreary 9am classes. I catch myself daring to break this unwritten rule of silence but I never seem to do it, maybe out of routine. Will we ever talk about this kind of stuff? Ask me again if I decide to get a boyfriend."
"No matter which way you try to convince me, you are not fat. You are beautiful"
"Thank you for being the person I aspire to be. I’ve never met a more pure soul in my life. I’m sorry I take you for granted."
"I’m sorry. We aren’t that close and I wish it wasn’t that way. But there’s still much time to make things amazing. I know you love me more than anything and I’m difficult to deal with but I’m getting there."
"Thanks for all the times you let me have the last piece of pizza even when I know you kind of wanted it :’)"
"I wish I could tell my mother that I will always be there for her through the good and bad times. Even though I’m an adult trying to be independent, it doesn’t mean I’m any less of her baby. I wish I could tell her to worry less and to trust her parenting skills that I’ll grow up into the person she raised me to be. Lastly, I would tell her to not be so hard on herself because she’s beautiful inside and out."
"I wish we lived closer together."
"i wish i could tell my mother a lot of stuff. I wish she could be like a friend or a sister, But it’s not like that. I wish i could tell her that you don’t have to worry about me i’m okay. I wish i could tell her whenever she picks me up from school to stop saying how was school everytime i get into the car bc all i say is good every time bc i don’t want to tell her it’s bad pretty much a lot of days. I wish my mom sometimes new i love her a lot but i don’t think she knows that even tho i say it. I wish i could tell her all the fun things i’ve done with my friends like over the weekends but i think its just that i’m scared she will say something bad and it will make me cry so that’s why i don’t tell her even tho i want to."
"I wish I could tell my mom that I don't want to live the life she lived and that the way I chose to create my future doesn't need to match her own."
"I dont take all you do for me for granted, and admire the compassion and resilience you always have."
"Dear Mom,
Whereas I do not know your real name. I hear it means “the girl with her head in the clouds” in Chinese. I only know you by Emmy Lu. I hope I have a daughter one day to name her after you, Emmylou, like the song you used to dance to. But I am afraid she will inherit my sadness.
Whereas we have the same face. Parts of me remind me of you. My sunflower eyes were yours before they were mine.
Whereas I have lucid dreams where we are still together but you are sick. This time I get it right. This time I spend hours each day with you in the hospital. Slowly you drift into the background. I feel guilty. I have to see you. I have to say I am sorry. And I wake up in a start. I try to run to you. And then I realize you are not there.
Whereas I hear, “What is that song/we sing for the dead?”
Whereas I read, “Do you have any happy poems? I ask, ‘Do you have any cancer songs?’”
Whereas the most scared I have ever been was when I lost you at the mall when I was 8. We were only apart for 30 minutes. I did everything, I called the police, I called your phone. You did the same. We found each other.
[Where did you go?]
Whereas my roommate secretly calls her mom when I leave the room. They are at that stage where her mom is ceasing to be a mom and is beginning to become a person. We forget that moms are people.
Whereas everyone loved Lady Bird but I didn’t.
Whereas I mother myself when no one’s looking.
Whereas everyone loses their mother eventually. But I still look for you in everything. But I still only love in halves. That you have taken my identity with you.
Whereas the dragonflies leave in early fall. Every month is November.
Whereas you were silent for days. When I came into the room to say goodbye, I fear you were already gone.
Whereas life compensates in ways we cannot imagine.
Whereas life steals.
Whereas I forget why I stopped calling you Mommy. The word feels strange on my tongue. I dissect the two syllables: “mom” and “me.”
Whereas I have been considering therapy.
Whereas Grandma and Grandpa made you an altar out of your favorite foods. They laid them out before your temple stone. I could not tell if they were bowing or crumpling. Your mother, she’s softer now.
Whereas I do not know how to end this letter.
Whereas I have never known anything but endings.
Love, Your firstborn and only daughter, Amanda"
"Dear Momma,
Your heart breaks more and more every night. I’m sorry I was too young to protect you when he put his hands on you. I’m sorry that he makes you feel trapped. I’m sorry he gives himself to other women every night . I’m sorry that soon i’ll be leaving you alone with him, but I promise I will make you proud. Please take care of yourself. Please. I love you with all my heart."
"Dear Mom,
I know now that you have insecurities that I didn’t understand as a kid, and I’m sorry that I made some of them worse. The truth is I did favor dad over you but I value what you’ve taught me and how much you looked out for me. Sometimes you say things that I don’t know how to respond to but I just want you to know I love you and the moments of peace between us are some of my best memories. It is hard to live in what feels like your shadow because I know that I do not have the same drive and concentration you had, nor do I have your brain. I am terrified of disappointing you and tired of being compared to you. Every person who knows us both compares me to you in looks and talent and it’s hard to deal with the pressure. I know that you would accept me if I came out, but I don’t want to burden you when I know you would want to fight for me.
I love you to the moon and back,
Your bi and shy daughter"
"You are my biggest heartbreak"
"I'm sorry"
"Hi mom,
I'm missing you... I never expected our relationship to be what it is now, but I think these tragedies happen for a reason. For so long I felt so much resentment towards you for instilling sentiments of mediocrity and failure into me. You taught me from a young age that I could never meet your standards, that I was incapable of being "good enough" and that I was a freak... I felt betrayed by you and could not help resenting you for declining to be the nurturing pillar I needed. I was depressed and suicidal and I wrote you a letter explaining that if I was dead when you read it, it was your fault. Mom, I was so childish. You found the letter hidden in my room and took it but said nothing for months. I was incredibly angry and hurt. I still don't have an answer for what you did but I can no longer be concerned by the past. It eats at us. It's a waste. Only five years later and you have grown so much. Your found spirituality has allowed you to reflect and bless everyone in your life with such deep compassion and love. What I could not understand in my youth, I can understand now -- you were going through your own shit as much as I was. It is selfish to resent you because I know how hard life was for you too. And now, things are even harder. Your partner of nearly thirty years walked out on you for a woman half your age. The situation is absolutely messy but I know how strong you are and I am so inspired by the woman you've become. You care about your children even though we have all been monsters to you. I am ashamed of how many times I told you that you were a bad mother, because you are such a good one. We may not be the most compatible (you are a gemini after all) but we both have big hearts and our love is strong. It is flooding. I love you so much and I do my best now to treat you better. You taught me patience and I think I taught it to you too. I am so sorry, and I am always here, and I hope I can make you proud.
Forever, J."
"Mom, You are my hero, my idol and inspiration. I became a teacher because you are an amazing teacher and leader among men and women. I aspire to accomplish and lead in your light. You’re the pillar of our family, our mother, super hero, doctor, chef, psychologist and best friend. Thank you for hugging, holding, kissing, and scolding. I thank you and love you, mom.
Love, Kelly."
"Mom, Everyday I hear the cruel words you’ve spoken to me as though they’re on constant repeat in my mind. You’d call me “too fat” and “too much” and “not enough,” and it continues to eat away at me everyday even though you think it’s okay. I wish I could tell you, but I know you wouldn’t believe me. You’ve made me feel so insecure and crazy throughout my life that I no longer know who I am or who I could have been without these words that you’ve used to define me."
"Hi, I may not express this enough, but I love you beyond the moon and stars. I apologize for being so impatient, inconsiderate, and disrespectful at times. I appreciate beyond words the unconditional love, hard work, and dedication you put forward to give me anything and everything I have ever wanted in this life. I’m sorry things didn’t work out in our favor and we didn’t stick together as a family but know that there is always room for new beginnings. Stay strong, and know forever and ever I’ll be by your side no matter what comes our way. I love you forever and ever!"
"I wish I can tell her that she's literally crazy and understand what makes her crazy. But then also tell her that I'm turning in to her and will probably be just as crazy when I'm older."
"Mum, thank you for being the strongest and wisest woman I know. Thank you for teaching me how to be kind and independent. I can truly tell you anything and know you will help me rather than judge and scold me. You make me a better person. You are my best friend in the entire world. I love you so much."
"Honestly fuck you. for all of it. your expectations for the reality of what it means to be a mother were simply the social signifiers the idea of the the status not something you actually wanted or planned out or thought ahead. youre not capable of dedicating anything to anyone else. you couldn't even give me a bed in a 3 bedroom house that my father bought for you becuase you didnt want to move some furniture and have any part of your life upended. you chose not have me in your life and you chose not to be a part of mine. you could have contributed, showed up, helped with college essays, or really just really showed a fucking interest in anyone but yourself. you could have apologized for any of it. taken responsibility for not being there or acknowledge that you never fucking wanting to be a mother. thats what running away from home and coming back without any explanation leaving a 2 year old (me) by himself and not telling a soul tells me about you. I'm supposed to love you but i really just wish you were dead. i wish that weren't true but thats the house you built for yourself. die in it."
"Dear Mom, I salute you for staying strong through everything and still being able to forgive and be graceful. Perhaps one day I will understand the importance of having grace for people who don't deserve it."
"I will never forgive you."
"Mom, Sometimes I feel like you really don't get me.
You're still my hero."
Dear Mom, you’re welcome for making you now a milf to all the other guys.
Your favorite son, Phillip
"Hey mom, it’s been just about 7 years since you passed away, and I hope that you can look down on me and say that you’re proud. I know you were quite adamant on me going to college, but for what I want to do it makes no sense for me right now. I love you and I miss you so much."
"Mom, I love you for saying you believe me when I tell you I can make my own lunch even though we both know I definitely can’t."
"Que la quiero mucho que aprecio todo lo que hace por mi, aunque peleamos y tenemos tantas diferencias, no quiero nunca no ternerla. Ha sido una persona que me a amado y aceptado como soy y no hay nada mas valioso. Gracias mamá. I love you so much."
"Hi Mama, I love how much I look like you and act like you. It warms my heart when people say "you look (or act) just like your mother." Even though you're just as impulsive as me, I like that you made me a little crazy. I wish you lived closer to me in New York, but I know you're just a train ride away. You're the most generous and kind person I've ever met. You taught me to never make fun of someone or put someone else down, because there isn't any point to being mean. I love you. I don't know what I'd do without you. Thank you for taking care of me, I will always be your baby."
